I think it’s because I am affected by the weather, like, a stupid amount. When it is rainy and grey, it’s difficult to be happy. I think that’s so silly of me to do, because I could write out seven encyclopedias full of reasons why I should be happy — but I think we all get that happiness doesn’t work that way. Just as sometimes you wake up and, for no reason, feel like it’s a Thursday when it’s really a Tuesday, sometimes you wake up and are sad when you shouldn’t be. Only I feel like I’ve been in a funk for a couple of days now.
I’m moving in less than a week. In addition to being the World’s Worst Person, I’m also the World’s Slowest Packer. My mom is driving up from Windsor to help out with the move, and so she is taking a couple unnecessary things back with her (my winter boots, that sort of thing) and I keep analyzing each item, thinking, ‘am I going to need you in the next couple of months? are you a necessary thing?’ When you start organizing your items into little piles of ‘necessary’ and ‘unnecessary,’ you realize what a funny little life you lead. I have been hoarding piles of tupperware since I moved into this apartment years ago — what is it about an empty yogurt container that seems so useful to me? I don’t know, but I know that I will be bringing a little tower of 500ml containers to my new place because that’s just the way I am. Toss out relationships because they get too close and scary, but keep yogurt containers because, hey, you never know.
Body things are hard, too. I constantly waffle between being okay with my body and being not okay with my body. Between caring and not caring. Between placing my self-worth on a number and not. Last summer, I got weirdly intense about working out and ‘eating clean,’ to the point where I was miserable. I lost a bunch of weight, okay, cool, but I wasn’t enjoying my life all that much. So here I am, back to the same place and situation where it all kind of began — end of April, beginning of May; end of one apartment, beginning of a new one. I never want to go back to, say, cancelling plans for brunch because it didn’t fit my ‘meal plan’ at the time (what was I thinking) but at the same time, I feel like I’m a bit more lumpy than I’d like (I’ve gained most of that weight back). I find that summer is a period where most of my November/December/January/February weight naturally sloughs off, though, so it will all be okay. I will never cancel plans for these reasons, and I will never exhaust myself, mentally and physically, the way I did before. It’s not worth it.
Sometimes I will be sitting in my room and I will miss my mom so much it overwhelms me.
I try and imagine my grandma’s laugh in my head every couple of days — a two-toned laughter with a high note and then a lower finish. I’m afraid that one day I’ll forget it. I keep moaning about having to clean out my cupboards but today I bought black current jam because it makes me think of her. I miss her so much that sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I tuck my hair behind my ear so that people will see my earrings and perhaps say, ‘oh, where did you get those,’ and I’ll be allowed to launch into a story about my grandma. I miss her so much. Sometimes I feel such fresh anger and sadness that it feels like it happened yesterday.
I feel like the two greatest lessons we’ll all ever learn in life is that we have to be as good as we can towards everyone else, and that ultimately, life isn’t fair. What a positive and a negative thing to say.
